Tantrums are a very normal part of childhood development...our ability to cope with them, however, leaves us feeling like having our own meltdowns. In this 2.5 hour class we will discuss the rationale (in toddlers eyes) for tantrums, the root causes of them, how to not take them personally and how to navigate the triggers for tantrums. The class comes with two weeks of follow up support for your family. Wednesday, May 6, 7-9:30 pm. Email Carol at kilty67@sympatico.ca to register. Cost is $85.00
"I'm Done": Musings on the hard days of being a Mama
One day, seventeen years ago on a Saturday morning I opened my eyes and thought "I cannot do this again." The mere thought of waking up and juggling the needs of three children absolutely side swiped me. I could not get out of bed. I said to my husband "You need to take care of the kids and take them out....I cannot cope, I cannot fathom doing everything that I do every single day one more time." I spent the rest of the morning wrapped in a sheet, lying on the middle of the family room floor. I did not stay in bed because I actually thought I needed to at least get out of bed...and made it as far as the family room floor.
There are days that you are done. So very done. The exhaustion cannot be evaluated in any way but by the insurmountable feelings on your heart, your soul, your psyche. When you are done- bone weary exhausted- everything is so heavy. The constant "on" of mothering - wiping bums, noses and faces, responding to every single "why" and breaking up fights weighs heavy day in and day out. The hamster wheel of routine and no acknowledgement of anything you have accomplished feels like a sledge hammer to the head....pushing you further under the heap of "to do." Being screamed at, up multiple times a night to feed, console, wipe (again), change sheets and banish monsters cannot be soothed by all the coffee in the universe. Constantly holding, carrying and nursing a child can leave you "touched out." Spending hours preparing and cooking meals to be told "I don't like this" can feel like a total assault on your sense of self- especially if your child "eats absolutely everything" at your Mom's house. It is so hard to not take it all so personally. We can't, Mamas.....
These little humans are all consuming. They truly are. Fulfilling the needs of another human being (or two, or three!) is a huge undertaking. It can weigh heavy on your soul and there are days you will absolutely want to get off the Mama bus. Do it. When you feel this way, do it. Have your partner, your friend, your sister, your own parents or in laws take your children. Have them out of the house for a few hours. Wonders can happen here.
About one hour into lying in the family room wrapped in a sheet (because it felt safe- it felt like I could block out any stimuli) I began to realize that I could just lie there. Just lie and be quiet. And then I breathed. I breathed in. I breathed out. I relaxed my face, shoulders, back, legs and arms and sank into the floor. The dam broke open and the tears just streamed. For the next hour I cried over all that I needed to. I needed to cry about it all. Thoughts needed to be put in order, stories had to be investigated (Am I done? No, I am not done, I could never be done being their Mama....I am just tired. So tired. I just need time. Just to breathe. I need help. This is hard. I need to be heard. I need a voice that reminds me that I too have needs. Oh, that feels better. Big breath. Oh shit, this is hard. I love them. I am exhausted. This is so hard! I can go back to this. I can.) The underlying feeling in all of these huge feelings was a voice saying "Things need to change."
My partner came home with our children later in the day and I was back in bed. He fed the kids after I cuddled and kissed and spoke with each of them. Then we talked. We talked about how much I was trying to accomplish each day, how I felt like I always had to be busy, how my "job" as their Mama was so vast....and how I needed to reduce its vastness. We worked hard, I worked hard, I sought out help from my best friend (who to this day is my go to for anything Mama based.... CH you are my people...) and we opened up our communication every single day. "How was your day?" was either answered in front of the children or it wasn't- it all depended on how it really was. Some days it was not pretty. Some days, it was an ode to joy. The more I acknowledged the hard days, my expansion for the joyful moments grew. Fully accepting all of the emotions of motherhood and not feeling any guilt around them absolutely allowed my "vastness" of being a Mama to be reduced and my capacity for joy to become expansive. We need to be real, Mamas. We are not alone. There are days we do feel done. Talk about them and all of the feelings and emotions surrounding them. Sit in these feelings and let them grow...they have so much to say to you. Have someone listen to you and bear witness to your emotions. We are here, we will listen.
With much love,
Carol xoxo
Dinner for Two Giveaway!
To enter our dinner for two giveaway all you have to do is leave your comment here on the blog and let us know about how love has helped you, affected you or surprised you since you have become a Mama. One comment will win dinner for two from EatGreen Organics delivered to your door this Saturday. All you have to do is heat up the chef prepared meal and enjoy. xoxo
Be Kind to Yourself
Be Kind to Yourself…
Did you have visions of what your birth would look like? Did you have specific thoughts on how life with your baby would look ? How maternity leave would look ? How you would act and feel as a new mother? How your new family would function? Did you daydream while pregnant, rubbing your pregnant belly, staring out in space anticipating for the moment you went into labour…excited to start this new transformation in your life?
Well, I did…
And a lot of what I had envisioned was so far from my reality that it completely shook me at a core level.
My beautiful home birth that I had wanted so desperately and envisioned night after night, did not happen. It was and always will be a part of my birth experience, but not the end result I had hoped for.
I felt robbed…
I blamed myself…
When I returned home, I was hurting, scared, confused, angry, filled with overwhelming love, happy beyond words, excited, joyful, nervous, sleep deprived, hungry and already longing for something that seemed “normal” for me to desperately grab on to.
I have beautiful memories of what it felt like living in my bed with my newborn son, him only wearing a diaper with skin-to-skin around the clock. The sun was shining and my husband was home catering to me with food, water and love and not a significant worry in the world. Welcoming close loved ones into my bedroom to share in my new love.
And then shit got real…I think I was living in a fog or some kind of honeymoon phase. My husband went back to work and I had to do this on my own!?!?! The thoughts that were entering into my head, the fear that filled my soul were so bone shaking scary. I kept what was going on for me a secret, or at least tried to. I think I was in denial or disbelief. Why was this happening to me? I am an educated woman, a social worker, my role in my family and my professional life is to help and support people…why me? I struggled with postpartum depression and was plagued with intrusive thoughts…I feared letting anyone hold my baby, I was obsessed with how people were perceiving me – as a person and as a mother, I tried to put on a mask and searched for a “new normal”.
I lost myself…horribly.
This impacted every relationship in my life…
Not all days were great, not all minutes were horrible. The only thing I really knew for sure was that I loved my baby. My postpartum journey took many paths – both wonderful and unnerving. Thankfully, my loving support network was there when I fell, stumbled, ran away or ready to embrace me when my face was smiling!
Every day is a new day. Every minute and every second are new minutes and new seconds. Please be kind to yourself.
Please do not shame yourself for that thought you just had that created some negativity for you. Please be kind to yourself. Let go of the shame, let go of the self-hatred, let go of whatever you want to let go of, whatever you need to let go of. Hold on to your baby, your loves in your life…your light.
Today, I let go of shame. I have no regrets about my paths, my journey. This helped shape who I am… and I am proud. Proud to be my son’s Mama.
Be Kind to Yourself… Take a breath, or two. Breathe in kindness and love to yourself and exhale what does not bring you life. I am sure you would want this for your child… you deserve it too Mamas!
This is my mantra. I say it to myself every morning, before I go to bed and probably several times more in between.
I know this is not everyone’s experience; however I thought I would share mine. If it resonates with you, I hope it brings you comfort. You are not alone.
Xoxox Much love to you all Mamas.
Jess
“we are not meant to be perfect; we’re meant to be whole” ~ Jane Fonda
Toddlers to Teens: Not Much Difference In How We Parent! The Toddler and Teen Classes for November!
We hear the terms "terrible twos, trying threes, challenging fours" to describe toddlers all the time. Fast forward to adolescence and you will hear "kids of today are so ______________" and they are "so rebellious, so ungrateful, don't know how good they have it" and are "entitled." I call bullshit. Children, no matter their age, are a direct reflection of what we have taught them to be. In parenting our Toddlers we are also parenting our teens. The empathy we show our toddlers cements our relationships with our teenagers. The trust we build with our toddlers fosters a connected relationship with our teens. Not rocket science, is it? Parenting is hard. Navigating the road from toddlers to teens is more like a cross country run - lots of uphills, lots of careening corners, stuck in the mud river crossings, low lying shrubbery that leaves marks - and at the end of some days sheer exhaustion. Both of our classes will help you understand your children and meet them where they are. Each class will offer you the tools you need to stay connected with your children, to foster repair to the relationship and help you stay calm, validated and more relaxed in your parenting journey.
The Toddler Class
Is your life hectic with your toddler?
Do you find it hard to communicate with your toddler?
Is discipline something you are having a hard time working out?
Is sleep an issue?
This popular, informative class will help you understand what your toddler is going through – emotionally, spiritually and developmentally and will give you the tools to deepen your connection with your toddler and communicate more effectively with them!
Class Fee – $75
Saturday November 15
12-4pm
Email Carol at Kilty67@sympatico.ca to register.
Teens: Navigating Your Parenting Journey, Cementing and Repairing The Relationship and Keeping Your Cool In The Age of Technology
Teens are amazing, loving, confusing, brilliant and our biggest life lessons! Our teen class runs on Thursday November 6th from 7-9:30 pm. Both parents are welcome to attend for the same fee. $75. Email Carol at kilty67@sympatico.ca to register.