Embracing Imperfection in Parenting

Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. Hands down.  23+ years into it I am still discovering that I really don't have a clue if what I have become as a parent has done more harm than good. Advice has been plentiful, confusing, helpful, isolating, damning and shaming. At times well intentioned advice has made me want to bitch slap the individual soliciting said advice ( "If you spanked her, she wouldn't act like that in public") or I have been driven to launch a well devised rhetoric in response to thoughtless comments on my child's emotional meltdowns (which were, in fact developmentally appropriate as she was reacting to the environment she was in.)  Mostly I find myself spinning and wondering what I would change if I was to start my child rearing all over again. But the spinning stops when I look at them and realize that they live life passionately. And they have taught me more than anyone else ever could.

Here's what I do know....I love my children and would fall on a sword for them. Aside from their father, I have never felt such a deep connection with anyone else in my life. They have forged my first true authentic connections and allowed me to then forge the same connections with other human beings by teaching me that being authentic does not equate to being perfect.

In this crazy "please other people" and "work really hard to fit in" society that we live in it is especially hard to JUST BE YOU.  Being a parent means being judged. Hell, being a human means being judged. Being a parent also means your first chance at existence without being judged because your baby does not judge you! Your baby wants you....in all of your imperfect glory!

Once I learned to let go of what I thought I should be (dependant on what other people saw, defined or judged me as being through their lens) I was able to fully embrace who I really AM.  Every single glorious imperfect cell of my being. I started showing up imperfectly on every imperfect day.  Every day has struggles and strengths in it.  I cannot be everything for everyone all of the time. And that, my friends, is perfectly okay.

You will, however, be judged when you strive to embrace imperfection and value your true sense. You might need to drop caring for extended family all of the time, stop showing up as the "perfect wife/daughter/sister/friend" and take your time to learn what feeds the fire in your belly. Ask yourself if what you are doing feeds that little flame in your belly or dampens it...for using the flame as a metaphor for authenticity means that you get to set boundaries for your family, know what feeds your soul and find out what works for you.

Truly allowing yourself to be able to practice embracing imperfection is not easy. It is a soul scorching endeavour at first and very very uncomfortable. "What will others think? What happens if they like the older version of me better? What if I truly don't know what embracing the imperfect means and I am wrong?"  You will know. You will know because you will feel freer emotionally. You will know because you will feel like you are enough. You will know because you will have less of an emotional response in your body. Anxiety will lessen. Connection with your children will deepen. You will feel like you are "showing up" in your life with less effort and self-judgement. You will not feel like you need to make yourself smaller so that others can feel important. You will be able to stand your ground....calmly. Boundary setting will feel effortless. Guilt will diminish and shame will vanish. Don't embrace perfection. It does not exist. Perfectionism means nothing more than trying to seek and win approval and acceptance.  Practice self-acceptance and compassion.  Christopher K. Germer states that:   " A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life."

Speak to yourself the way you would speak to your beloved. Show yourself self-love and speak love to yourself. Not only are you modelling for your children, you are changing your self-perception. Give up the ideal, the notion of the ultimate, the image of perfection.  Look to healthy daily striving and know that your best does not mean PERFECT. PERFECT is an illusion. Healthy striving is realistic.  Be warm with yourself and know that you are more than enough...every single imperfect aspect of your wonderful self. 

With much love,

Carol xoxo

In Support of Support

We are a group of (crazy) women in love with supporting women, their babies and their families. We know how hard it is day to day to fulfill the societal and family expectations of being a mama, wife, sister, daughter, friend, partner....and quite truly without each other we do not know how we would get through each day. The "sisterhood" we feel with each other can quite honestly run "deeper" with each other than it does with our own blood relatives because of our special kind of crazy. And because of the level of honesty we have with each other. We can truly be ourselves around each other without the judgement that comes with the stories that are often attached to us by our families.

One of our group beliefs is that we will meet you where you are... no story attached, no judgement, no harsh penalty for being you. In working with families we have learned our biggest lessons. Mamas, babies and families teach us so much! Yes we continue with educational studies every year, yes we stay up to date with evidence based practices, yes we spend time self -educating - but the best education is working in the birth and parenting community. Each human being has taught us that "normal" is only a setting on the dryer (and even then we question it) and that none of us can be categorized. We understand that our FOO (family of origin) impacts the way we walk in the world greatly and that the big picture of who we are because of where we come from gives valuable insight into how we operate. We are the sum of our experiences...and then some.

Support is necessary for human survival and for thriving. Support walks us through the days we cannot fathoming walking ourselves. Be it birth, breastfeeding, lack of sleep, temper tantrums, family dysfunction, moving, losing a job, feeling like you've lost your way in the world and death. Every aspect of everything we do warrants validation....that is our basic human need. We all need to know that we matter. We all need to know that we are worthy and that what we are going through has impacted us and perhaps changed us.

Support comes in many forms. A nod of the head, a smile, a touch, a gentle voice in your ear. A hug, a text, a phone call and "I will be checking in on you" can be the hope that we all hang on to.  Sometimes we need someone to believe in us when we cannot believe in ourselves. Support is the foundation of change and growth. We find out more about ourselves when our vulnerability is supported and not shamed. Being vulnerable is perhaps our biggest challenge ...and to walk in vulnerability, to have compassion bestowed upon us and have empathy bash shame allows us to heal. We can find out who we truly want to be, how comfortable we are in our own skin and how to  begin loving ourselves if we are supported in all facets of our emotions. The dark will give way to light, but only if we embrace the dark. I have come to believe that the pain that is "the dark night of the soul" can be a cradle for the light if we have support. Holding emotional space for each other without judgement and WITH compassion and empathy unlocks the key to growth, healing and validation. Drop the story, listen with the intent of hearing and not formulating an answer. Be kinder than necessary and your heart will thank you for it. xoox

What Does The Doula Say?

We get asked all of the time what our lives look like as doulas. We thought we might give you the light hearted version of what we do and say, peppered with some of the realities of being on call.

Let it be known right away that we love wine. Like a lot. If we have back to back births as I did this past February it is a given that there will be wine delivered to my house for off call.  If we schedule a meeting we bring wine. We generally schedule meetings citing wine as the reason to get together. We find a new wine, we share. Someone dies in your family and you don't get flowers.. you get wine.  Heck you get a repeat client having her third baby, we cheers you. With wine. So the moral of the story here is this: we don't drink when we are on call. We can shout out on Facebook that we are dying for a glass of wine and wonder if we should open it and a lovely midwife will remind us that perhaps opening a bottle of wine would precipitate a birth.  (Cause babies are sneaky like that....) We listen to the reasoning and cry. The crying is mostly because we are all mothers and let's face it...wine is helpful to most mothers. So it is not unusual to hear one of our doulas say " I will just have water because I am on call" at one of our staff meetings. And as soon as her water was finished she got called to a birth and the babe showed up just over an hour later. For real.

At any given time you will hear us telling clients that we will come support them with breastfeeding issues but we better take their number in case we get called to a birth. Then we re-schedule our days. We tell our children of driving age that "sure you can have the car because I am not on call."  We schedule our classes around our on call schedule.  We have missed holidays, our own children's birthdays, our partners holiday parties and our own wedding anniversaries because we have been attending births. I have been at births on Mother's Day and my own children's plans for me went by the wayside. They absolutely have come to understand this is a distinct possibility in the work I do. I made my son's grade 8 graduation by the skin of my nose because I was attending a birth.

Our children know that they can wake up in the morning and we won't be there. My children have grown up with this and it takes a lot of juggling on my partner's part but has become so much easier as they have grown. Now in the age of texting (seriously cell phones were not even around when I started attending births!) my children are excited to hear how the Mama and baby are doing. This past February they were all on tenterhooks as I attended the birth of a woman that is as close to attending my own daughter as I will get (her Father is a dear family friend) and there were tears of joy from my whole house as the happy news was delivered after she brought her premature daughter earthside. This is most definitely a peculiar lifestyle....yet most birth workers would not change it.

"If I am not at a birth I will be there" echoes in our every day conversations. We drive back from vacation cottages because we have clients go into labour. We go to weddings in other cities when our first time mamas are in the early stages of labour. We are available to them the whole time we are somewhere else. We have back up for each other in case there will be an overlap. We never have to use our back up. We take our cell phones to the soccer field and get called off when our clients call. Our whole team knows what is going on and sends love and well wishes to our Mamas. And they want an update (with permission of course) once the babe is earthside. Then they too, celebrate. Generally with wine.

The stuff that comes out of our mouths turns heads. In the hospital parking garage someone might hear "I am leaving now and yep, she rocked it! Not even a tear and he was over 10lbs. and he nursed like a champ." On the three am car rides home after a beautiful home birth the universe will hear thanks being given up for the privilege of bearing witness to a new soul making their way into the world. Our Bluetooth conversations always end with one of our team mates saying to us "Now go home, get some rest, I will cover your day for you and I will check in on you later. Love you." And we do truly love each other. We have supported each other in our births and postpartum. We have rocked each other's babies and shared milk, we have made dinner when life has thrown us a curve ball and we cannot face cooking. We have cried over losses, laughed over beer pong (or Somersby cider pong....yum) kissed each other's foreheads and texted each other 50 times a day. We have held each other up through family death, crazy stupid family dysfunction and our own children's struggles. Because of our shared passions in birth, breastfeeding and families we mesh like this. We know the lifestyle we all live and the commitment it takes first hand and are truly empathetic with each other. Pushing each other to go on vacation and recharge has become a real team affair....when one of us books a vacation we all cheer and cannot wait to hear the plans come together.

"You need to rest....you haven't slept in days" is what you will hear us say to our Mamas. We also say it to each other.  We have placentas in our fridges and my kids know enough that an ice cream container in the freezer does not always mean that ice cream is what is inside.  We freak out over Ina May's latest publication and we go crazy over policies and procedures that we know aren't always the best practices for our Mamas.  We listen to birth trauma stories, we help process pain, we offer hugs, love and are fully invested in our Mamas. We are a bit crazy, too, at times but we are blessed. Yep, you will hear us talk about a cervix, a uterus, mastitis, blocked ducts and overactive letdown all the time.  You will hear us voice our opinions on birth, circumcision, the treatment of children and the importance of evidence based medicine and birth practices. We are a crazy lot, we birth workers. And we love it.

Babies Naturally is now .org. We have grown, grown up and moved!

View fullsize

We are absolutely thrilled to launch our new website. We have grown as an organization and are always looking at ways to make our classes and programs easier to access. We have all "matured" and wanted our website to reflect that.  Welcome! Poke around and look at the beautiful work done by the very talented Laura Carrelas of www.ltcphotos.com for capturing our team of practitioners.  We are also thankful for the work of Tricia McConnell and the birth pictures she captured! Stick around, get to know us and enjoy our new site! 

With much love, 

Carol  and the whole Babies Naturally team 

xoxo

Positive Sleep Solutions- The Class You Asked For

Before I became a Mom, experienced parents all told me to enjoy my sleep. To literally catch up on my sleep because I would not sleep again for years to come…if ever! Once I became a parent I quickly realized they were right. Sleep became one of the most sought after, difficult to attain, luxuries of life no longer afforded to me. I felt like I would never have a full night’s sleep again. I was physically in pain from sleep deprivation. I could not think straight and was an emotional puddle who could barely form sentences! The problem was that this was going on a lot longer than the first 3 months. I began to believe this was simply parenthood. I told myself my daughter would simply grow out of her night wakings. It was normal right? After all, other parents had warned me that good sleep would be a thing of my childless past!
Thankfully Carol (Peat) entered my life and awoke me to the the reality that if I was suffering from such an extreme level of sleep deprivation, so was my daughter. She was struggling as much as I was. Something had to change. I could not bare the thought of leaving my little girl to cry herself to sleep, but we had entered a critical point where no one was getting the proper rest. This put us at risk for so many bigger problems. Our immunity was compromised, our cognitive functioning was decreased and we were all literally walking around in a fog. Carol taught me the science of sleep and this armed me with the will to make the changes we needed. I realized it was simply not necessary for my daughter to “cry it out”. There were other ways to make healthy sleep progress. It did not come without some protesting. It did not come without the need for reassurance from Carol that we were in fact doing what was best for our daughter. But it started to work. It all started to click and we were sleeping We were ALL sleeping. It was like the sun came out in our world again! We had a happy, well rested child and that was the best outcome anyone could have imagined!
The principals of the Sleep Solutions program can be applied to all stages of our children’s lives. Once you understand the science of sleep and have the tools to fall back on, your family’s sleep will never spin out of control again. We would be fooling ourselves to think that we will never be thrown off track with our children’s sleep….they get sick, cut teeth, sleep in a different environment, we go on vacation, etc, but when you have a child with the skills of independent sleep, they come back to their healthy sleep routine without much effort. With this program you arm yourself and your child(ren) with the skills to create healthy sleep hygiene for the rest of their lives. That is a true gift.
Here at Babies Naturally we offer a Sleep Solutions class followed by four weeks of individual support. This ensures you have the best understanding of the principals of independent sleep and an adequate amount of time to implement any necessary changes. This class will run every second month. Check the Classes Page for the next class date. We do require payment confirmation before the class. Please email Tracey at stpetticrew@gmail.com for further details.
Happy Slumbers!